But She Was My Soulmate

Soulmates was what they said. From the first day they met, Jim, the young doctor, and Sandy, the promotions manager, were so easy being together – no awkward moments, no missteps, just comfortable and happy. Their connection got very deep very fast.

Then Sandy told him she met someone else.

“What happened – how could this happen?” Jim wondered. “I thought soulmates were forever.”

Really?

What Is a Soulmate?

What is a soulmate? The answer depends on whether you want to reality or the romantic definition.

Literally-speaking, a soulmate is someone with whom you have an inexplicably strong connection. When you meet, you “click” quickly and easily. You like being with each other. You feel comfortable when you’re together.

The soulmate connection could be romantic and/or sexual but it can also be mental, emotional, spiritual, ideological, or something else. Your soulmate(s) can be strictly social or can even be a work or situational soulmate.

Also, the idea that there is just one soulmate for any one person is bogus. The average person can have many soulmates…even many romantic soulmates.

You can be with your soulmate for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

The Soulmate Myth

The mystique surrounding the soulmate is the stuff of fairy tales. One of the best ways to describe the soulmate myth is through the Urban Dictionary definition. It perfectly captures the impression too many people have:

“Fate and destiny contribute to the romantic bliss and happiness where both partners are so immersed in the strong karmic connection. The relationship between soul mates has a certain magical, mystical feel to it. The love is so strong, the chemistry is unexplainable, and sex is mind-blowing. Destiny makes sure these people find each other and gives two people the opportunity to have a fabulous relationship, grow as people and learn valuable lessons.”

Karmic? Magical? Mystic? Maybe soulmates are all of those. Or maybe that’s a lot of crap.

Still, even if your soulmate connection is romantic, it doesn’t necessarily mean s/he is a “forever in this lifetime” person.

Do You Have a Soulmate?

If soulmates actually exist, the likelihood that you have a soulmate is high. That’s because soulmates are part of reincarnation (one soul through many lifetimes). If a soul reincarnates, then it’s believable that you can cross paths with souls you knew from other lifetimes. When you do, your souls are likely to recognize each other. If you’re an “old soul” that means you’ve been around for many lifetimes and had many past life experiences; you could be meeting lots of other souls all the time. Some of those meetings can be like the proverbial ships passing in the night. However, others could have been very strong relationship in a past life and your soul remembers it. That’s how that fast and deep connection happens.

Marriage is real life – there is no happily-ever-after without conscious effort.

Remember that teacher you felt such a strong connection to in the fourth grade? Or a mentor who seemed to know you better than you knew yourself – and without whom your life wouldn’t be what it is? Or that family down the street who felt more like your family than the one you lived with? Those are happy soulmate connections.

Yet every soulmate connection isn’t always a good one. What about that relationship that was so toxic but you just couldn’t pull away from it? Or that coworker you didn’t like from the moment you met – and you could never explain why.

When destiny connects you with a soulmate, it’s an opportunity. In other lifetimes, some of those soul connections were too short and you get to finish them in this lifetime. Others were messy and you get to clean them up.

Soulmate connections are opportunities; they are not a guarantee.

Do Soulmates Make for a Better Marriage?

While the idea of being with and marrying your soulmate is deliciously compelling, the reality is a false equivalence. Soulmate marriage presumes the “happily ever after” that every romantic loves to dream about living.

However, marriage is real life and there is no auto-happily-ever-after. No matter how connected you and your sweetie are, the reality is that even soulmates have arguments, have bills to pay, disagree about how to raise the kids, get sick, lose their jobs, have accidents, and all the other things that are part of everyday life. Being soulmates when times are tough isn’t any easier than for couples who aren’t soulmates.

What makes the difference is how well you communicate with each other – soulmate or not. It matters if you treat each other fairly, divide the responsibilities equitably, make clear and conscious agreements, and renegotiate agreements when they aren’t working or when something has changed.

In the Five-Year Marriage, couples – soulmates or not – choose to design their marriage to fit who they are as a couple. They are partners who make agreements together and put their agreements in writing. They also agree to review and reevaluate how things are going and, every five years, re-contract and start over with new agreements.

So, if you’re waiting around to meet your soulmate so you can have an amazing marriage, you could be waiting a very long time – maybe a lifetime. You could be pining away for some fantasy that may not even make you happy in the long-term.

If you want to be happy in your marriage, your best bet is to (1) choose someone who is a good partner and (2) together, rethink the whole idea of traditional marriage, and shift your paradigm to the five-year plan.

If you want to learn more about how The Five-Year Marriage® can offer you the relationship advice you and your partner have been looking for, You can take the first step with this groundbreaking, game-changing book: click through to read more about The Five-Year Marriage® or contact me today.

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What is the Five-Year Marriage®?

Created by Annmarie Kelly, the Five-Year Marriage® is a concept of restructuring marriage agreements every five years to take into consideration external and internal changes happening to each person in the relationship. This periodic assessment of each person’s happiness, fulfillment, obligations and goals creates a safe space for each person to grow and change, together. The result is a relationship that grows stronger and more intimate over time. This collection of articles is a dep dive into the  different concepts proposed in the book, The Five-Year Marriage® and deserve a space for additional exploration and discussion.

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