What Melinda French Gates Reminded of For Moving Forward
Over the summer, I read Melinda French Gates latest book, a memoir, The Next Day. I read it a little bit for the gossipy part and a little because I was curious about how she made the decision to end her marriage.
In the book, Gates describes her middle-class Catholic upbringing, her schooling, and how she met and married Bill Gates. She also shares parts of her marriage with Gates…having children, becoming a stay-at-home mom (sort of), philanthropy, struggling with perfectionism, Bill’s infidelity, and more.
When I got to the chapter about Gates ending her twenty-seven-year marriage, I had a serious emotional reaction to that part of the story, which she told in gut-wrenching detail. She shared how, looking through the lens of her religion as well as her parents’ very long marriage, she struggled with the very idea of divorce.
I, too, was raised middle-class and Catholic, and am three years into my 8th marriage, 37 years total. I could relate to so much of her story about her perfectionism as well as the normal challenges and problems present in any marriage.
However, Gates’ angst about some of the problems of her marriage went on for years until finally one of her girlfriends told her, “you squeezed every bit of juice out of the turnup.” Soon after she decided, “this isn’t right anymore” and “it’s time to separate from Bill.”
In that respect, Gates wasn’t different from so many of women. Through all my Victorious Woman years of talking to and interviewing hundreds of women, every one said – of their marriage, or of some troubling aspect of their life – “this isn’t right anymore.” And they made a change. In spite of all the money she had, Melinda French Gates was right there with all those women.
What’s Next Matters
Once Gates made the decision to end the marriage, the details and logistics that followed were sad. However, what I felt was important about the book is what Gates learned about the next step. Specifically, she says that “what matters most is…how we respond to those events…on the next day. Because what we do on that next day makes us who we are and how we make our lives our own.”
Part of Melinda French Gates message is that we don’t always have a choice about what happens, but we do control our response. She puts an emphasis on the importance of rituals, like those for birthdays, holidays, and even exercise, writing “rituals and tradition keep us anchored in our values.”
So…we’re heading into the season of holidays – Thanksgiving, Christmas, and before we know it, we’ll be welcoming the New Year of 2026. A lot of activity will get packed into the next two months. It’s a fun and joy-filled time, but also the most stressful time of year. And, as exciting as these months might be, the holidays put a strain on everything and everybody, and put a special strain on relationships, particularly on marriages. There’s a reason why January is known as “divorce month.”
Rituals for Right Now
What about your “what’s next” for the next couple of months? Can you include some helpful rituals? Rituals will not only honor your values, but they are also a way to create stability, reduce stress, and build a sense of belonging.
Before a lot of the holiday craziness sets in, now is a great time to revisit your personal rituals. When you do, find the ones that no longer reflect your values (like excessive gift-giving and over-committing), and decide to let them go.
Next, find a ritual or two that you can do to make your holidays brighter and your new year happier. Here are a few ideas. Pick one for yourself and one for your relationship:
Personal – Just for You
- 10” Morning Meditation
- Gratitude Journal – write 2-3 things you’re grateful for daily
- Five-minute Visualizations (for health or success or happiness)
- Digital Detox (for a day/week or weekend/month)
- Drink a cup of tea by yourself with no distractions
- Doing just one thing at a time (no multitasking), even if it’s just for one day/week
For Your Relationship
- Family Dinner – daily, or at least once a week
- Grace before Meals
- Sunday Drives
- Five-minute Nightly check-ins (how was your day?” or “anything you want to share?” or “here’s why I love you”)
- Pick one thing you notice and say “I love that you…(made me tea, took out the trash, helped me when I really needed it). Thankyou!
- Say good morning or goodnight with a hug
- Have a Family Meeting (weekly or monthly)
Let me know how these make a difference for you. I love hearing from you!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
With love and in victory,
Annmarie
