Women have come a long way from the days when marriage was their expected career path. A recent Pew Research survey showed that almost half of unmarried US women didn’t view marriage as an important element of a fulfilling life. They like being single and running their own life.
I get that. I was those women a few decades ago.
Not the I didn’t like marriage. I liked – and still like – the idea of marriage. I was even engaged in my early twenties, and, if we hadn’t broken up, I would have married Jimmy.
I didn’t marry back then, of course, but most of my friends did.
During those years we were all figuring things out. And because I was a good listener to my married girlfriends, I heard a lot of stuff. I became an observer.
What I Learned About Marriage
During too many tea or wine-fueled conversations, here’s what I noticed: too many of my once-happy girlfriends were juggling work and family, taking on the majority of house-related and school-related tasks while maintaining full-time jobs outside the home. They were exhausted.
Throw in a bit of inequality and a dash of infidelity and, the older I got, the less appealing traditional marriage was to me. It just didn’t seem like it was a good deal.
After a while, much like the women surveyed by Pew, I focused on being happy by myself. I supported myself, owned a house, grew my circle of friends and acquaintances, joined a few groups related to things I liked, and sometimes I dated.
Back then I didn’t think marriage was a lost cause. I did think, however, it needed to be different. I just didn’t know how. But, along the way, I learned my ABCs:
The ABC’s of Relationships A:
The Advantage of Agreement
Everybody gets into a relationship with their own set of expectations. That’s why companies have contracts with their employees. Employer and employee both know what’s expected. Pre-nups sort of do the same thing. Relationships run smoother when both people are clear about who does what and when, the goals they are working toward together, etc.
Taking the time to work on your agreements pays big dividends. At the start, it sets up a pattern for communication that results in clarity. Some agreements might be about “big” things like goals, money, housing, and children. Other agreements might focus on more day-to-day things, like upcoming house projects, or the use of phones at the dinner table, or calling each other if you’re going to be late, and even who will handle what with in-laws.
Along the way, clear agreements take away the guesswork, “I thought you were going to do that…” Eventually the pattern of making agreements grows trust and respect between you two. The clearer you are with agreements, the easier your relationship will be.
B: The Bonus of Boundaries
Most people aren’t clear about their boundaries until a boundary is crossed. Then there’s a problem, and usually an ugly argument. A boundary defines acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
A boundary might be “No one is allowed to yell at me” or “I need privacy in the bathroom.” When you know and share your boundaries, there is less chance for anger related to the buildup of resentment.
When your boundaries are respected, emotional safety grows, and so does the level of intimacy.
What is one of your “must have” boundaries?
C: The Curse of Compromise
People say marriage is all about compromise. I hate that…and I think those people are wrong. Compromise, especially in marriage, is usually one-sided.
Compromise was one of those things that turned my happy girlfriends into disgruntle wives.
The alternative to compromise? Negotiation. “Yes, I’ll do that for you in exchange for you doing this for me.” A negotiation is collaborative and shows respect.
The A,B,C’s of relationships is just one of the many success techniques I share in The Five-Year Marriage 2nd Edition.
AND you can catch me in person! On May 8 I’ll be speaking about The Five-Year Marriage at the fabulous Pyramid Club in Philly. I’m one of five very cool women at the semi-annual Meet the Author Women’s Panel. Join me if you can!
With love and in victory,
Annmarie
If you don’t yet have your copy of The Five-Year Marriage 2nd Edition: Secrets, Tools, and Strategies for Reimagining Marriage So It Works For You – Get it today
