Happy April!
In early March, my longtime mentor, Robbie Motter, celebrated her 90th birthday by publishing her memoir, She Showed Up: A Woman of Purpose, Power & Unstoppable Faith. I read the manuscript last year so I could write a testimonial. However, when it got onto Amazon, I downloaded the book. Around the same time, I spoke with a woman who is thinking about getting a divorce. That conversation was still on my mind when I read Robbie’s words,“showing up is the hinge that swings open every door”.
It struck a chord. Here’s why:
A hinge is the thing that connects two pieces of something, like a door to a cabinet. The hinge enables the door to work with the cabinet. It also provides structural support. However, if the hinge is off, the two pieces don’t work correctly. At first, a loose or squeaky hinge is just an annoyance. But if nobody shows up to fix it, the door starts to hang funny, and eventually it falls off. The damage is often irreparable.
It’s the same with your marriage or relationship.
Each person is one of two parts of the partnership. Showing up for each other – that is, being physically, mentally, and emotionally present – creates the hinge. It’s the connection that supports both of you and allows you both to move and function at your best.
If you aren’t showing up, the hinge (that connection) gets loose or squeaky, and the marriage doesn’t work at its best. At first, it’s just annoying, but then disappointment sets in, and creates distance, which leads to anger and resentment. If it isn’t fixed, eventually, the marriage just stops working. Like the door and cabinet, the damage can be irreparable.
Showing up in your marriage or relationship keeps the hinge working properly so that it opens the doors – to communication, stronger partnership, sexual satisfaction, emotional safety, and happiness.
Are you showing up?
If you want to get better at showing up for your partner in your marriage or relationship, here’s one way: Family Meetings. Here’s why: Family Meetings give you and your partner a designated place/space to talk about “the stuff” of your marriage, and deal with it, before somebody angrily slings that stuff in an argument (“and you don’t ever…”).
Family Meetings help you communicate better, problem solve, plan, and most importantly, stay on the same page of your marriage. Family meetings are about the business of marriage. However, they DO NOT take the place of therapy.
Here’s how to get you Family Meetings started:
- Set a date – day, time, place – just like any important meeting. Tip: take it outside the house…Starbucks, Panera, local café.
- Have an agenda. What do you need and want to talk about at the meeting? Are there jobs at home that need to be divided more equitably? Are there “issues”, like finances, housing/house repairs, downsizing, knocking down a big debt, having another child, etc.? Write it down and share it before the meeting.
- Start your meeting by listing all the things you two are doing right. And, yes, you are doing some things right.
- Work the agenda.
- Set a time limit. Your family meeting should last no more than one hour.
- Write down the things you both agree to do.
- Congratulate yourself for doing it…and set the next meeting.
- Follow through on the things you said you would do.
You’ll find detailed instructions for how to start and develop Family Meetings successfully in my book, The Five-Year Marriage 2nd Edition, Secrets, Tools, and strategies for Reimagining Marriage So It Works For You. You can download your Kindle copy right now.
Ankle Update
These compound ankle fractures are no joke. I’m 3 months out of surgery and, just this week, I got the OK to (mostly) ditch the boot. To accommodate my still-swollen right foot I had to get another pair of sneakers – a full size larger. I’m months away from wearing heels – or even nice shoes. But, in-home physical therapy and occupational therapy are ready to discharge me, and then I can start 3 months of outpatient therapy.
Thanks to all of you who sent emails and FB comments.
With love and in victory, Annmarie
P.S. May is Victorious Woman Month, and it’s the 20th Anniversary. I’m planning some things and I’ll tell you more in a few weeks, but take a look at these:
