Happy April!
In early March, my longtime mentor, Robbie Motter, celebrated her 90th birthday by publishing her memoir, She Showed Up: A Woman of Purpose, Power & Unstoppable Faith. Robbie sent me the manuscript last year so I could write a testimonial. However, last month. when the book got onto Amazon, I downloaded a copy to read it again. Around the same time, I spoke with a woman who is thinking about getting a divorce. She was still on my mind as I read Robbie’s words, “showing up is the hinge that swings open every door”.
It struck a chord. Here’s why:
A hinge is the thing that connects two pieces of something, like a door to a cabinet. The hinge enables the door and cabinet to work together for a specific purpose. It also provides structural support.
However, if the hinge is off, the two pieces don’t function effectively. At first, you notice the hinge is a little loose or squeaky. At that point, it’s just an annoyance. But if nobody shows up to fix it, the door starts to hang funny and it doesn’t close right. Eventually it falls off. The damage is often irreparable.
It’s the same with your marriage or relationship.
Each person is one of two parts of the partnership. Showing up for each other – that is, being physically, mentally, and emotionally present – creates the hinge. It’s the connection that supports both of you and allows you both to move and function at your best.
If you aren’t showing up, the hinge (that connection) gets loose or squeaky. The marriage doesn’t work at its best. You notice, but you’re busy, so you let it go. But, as time goes on, you notice the disconnect more. Disappointment sets in, and creates distance, which leads to anger and resentment. If it isn’t fixed, if nothing changes, eventually the marriage just stops working. Like the door and cabinet, the damage can be irreparable.
Showing Up says “I care” and in your marriage or relationship showing up keeps the hinge working smoothly and keeps open the door – to communication, stronger partnership, sexual satisfaction, emotional safety, and happiness.
Are you showing up?
How are you at being emotionally, physically, and mentally present with your partner? How much “on the same page” are you two? How would you rate yourself, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being fully present every day? Would you give yourself a 3 or 5 or 8? How about your partner?
If you want to get better at showing up for your partner in your marriage or relationship, here’s one way: Family Meetings. Here’s why: Family Meetings give you and your partner a designated place/space to talk about “the stuff” of your marriage, and deal with it piece by piece, and before there’s a problem or before somebody angrily slings that stuff in an argument (“and you never…”).
Family Meetings help you communicate better, problem solve, plan, and most importantly, stay on the same page of your marriage. Family meetings are about the business of marriage. However, they DO NOT take the place of therapy.
Here’s how to get your Family Meetings started:
- Set a date – day, time, place – just like any important meeting. Tip: take it outside the house…Starbucks, Panera, local café.
- Have an agenda. What do you need and want to talk about at the meeting? Are there jobs at home that need to be divided more equitably? Are there “issues”, like finances, housing/house repairs, downsizing, knocking down a big debt, having another child, etc.? Write it down and share it before the meeting.
- What’s going right? Start your meeting by listing all the things you two are doing right. And, yes, you are doing some things right.
- Work the agenda. Take it one item at a time.
- Set a time limit. Your family meeting should last no more than one hour.
- Make agreements. Write down the things you each agree to do.
- Congratulate yourself for doing it…and set the next meeting.
- Follow through on the things you said you would do.
You’ll find detailed instructions for how to start and develop Family Meetings successfully in my book, The Five-Year Marriage 2nd Edition, Secrets, Tools, and strategies for Reimagining Marriage So It Works For You. You can download your Kindle copy right now.
Ankle Update
These compound ankle fractures are no joke. I’m 3 months out of surgery and, just this week, I got the OK to (mostly) ditch the 3.5lb boot. To accommodate my still-swollen right foot I had to get another pair of sneakers – a full size larger – just to fit on my right foot. I’m months away from wearing heels – or even nice shoes. But, happily, in-home physical therapy and occupational therapy are ready to discharge me. When they do, I’ll start 3 months of outpatient therapy.
Thanks to all of you who sent emails and FB comments.
With love and in victory,
Annmarie
P.S. May is International Victorious Woman Month, and it’s the 20th Anniversary. I’m excited that, after all these years, it still gets international attention. I’m planning some things and I’ll tell you more in a few weeks.
