Happy July and Happy 250th Birthday to America!
For a long time, I’ve believed that marriage – the traditional “‘til death do us part” marriage – is unrealistic. You see, I come from a family where four siblings – who had the same two parents – didn’t get along. So, the way I see it, the idea that two people from completely different families, with different lifestyles, rules, habits, and viewpoints can suddenly come together in a marriage and – magically – live in peace and harmony is simply too idealistic.
Does that mean I think marriage is a bad idea? Not at all!
Marriage is a fabulous way to build a partnership that provides for love, caring, and a good life. But it doesn’t happen by itself, and it’s a challenge.
Romanticizing Marriage
Last week I had a conversation with Izzy, a smart young woman who is approaching her fifth wedding anniversary. She’s trying to figure marriage out – which is just about where I would expect someone to be at the five-year mark in her marriage.
When we were talking, Izzy told me she’d just been to a wedding and she talked about all the gushy “love tropes” she heard at the wedding. Probably the same kinds of marriage romanticizing stuff she heard at her wedding. I laughed and agreed with her, but also laughed because, five years ago, Izzy probably loved the romanticizing. Most of us do. But, for Izzy, this time, she heard the flowery words through the filter of a woman who knows the wedding isn’t the marriage. This time she found the words annoying.
What happened?
Life happened.
When a couple is “getting married” there’s a standard script: dating, falling in love, getting engaged, planning the wedding, celebrating, being excited about the future, and of course, THE DRESS.
The experience of “getting married” is stressful, for sure, but between the celebrations and the checklists, there’s a lot of excitement happening. Also, the feeling of anticipation for starting your “happily ever after” with your “soulmate” is intoxicating. It fills up a couple’s life (and their loved ones lives) for a couple years.
However, in time, the wedding is over. The “script” is gone. “Getting married” is replaced by “being married” – all day, every day – and there are no instructions that show you what to do…when you have a fight, when you feel let down, when your expectations aren’t met.
One day you notice that same person you wanted to be with forever is starting to get on your nerves, and your in-laws are butting into your business, and your boundaries – the ones you didn’t even know you had – are being violated. One by one, all those happy marriage expectations are shattered.
Suddenly it hits you: Being married is so much harder than getting married!
Can Marriage Be Saved?
Of course it can!
The thing is that every couple must figure out is how to create their marriage to fit who they are – as partners – and, as life changes, keep recreating it. In Izzy’s case, five years after the wedding, she isn’t the same person she was on her wedding day, and neither is her spouse. For starters, she and her spouse both had job changes, and then they became homeowners. Along the way, they lost some friends and met some new ones. Each one of those experiences changed the way Izzy and her spouse think and feel about life – and that changed the relationship.
It didn’t just happen to Izzy. It happened to me…and you…and to every couple. Priorities shift and experiences reshape how we think, feel, and react to life’s experiences. That’s the reason it’s so important to check in regularly with each other. So…how does a couple make that happen?
Here’s How To Start
Whether it’s a marriage restart or a reset, the first step is to ask each other, “what are we doing well?” There are plenty of things you’re doing well, and too often couples focus on what isn’t working, and don’t give themselves the credit for what they do right. And, when you do that, it’s so much easier to discuss the problems when you remember the good parts first.
Next, acknowledge the challenges you face, both separately and as a couple. Ask each other, “how did that change how you think and how you feel (about us, or about work, marriage, family, etc.)?”
Then, discuss what you want to be different. Maybe you want to see changes in how you use your money together. Are you both ready to put more money aside for a house, or children, or retirement? What about distribution of chores, private time, handling the children, and…what else? Maybe you hate morning sex. Or maybe morning sex on the weekend is one of your favorite things (that you almost never do but want to). Choose one or two things that are important to you. Figure out how you can change them so they work better for the partnership.
Why This Makes Sense
Being married isn’t some magical experience that gets better all by itself. That’s a presumption that too many couples make – and it only leads to trouble. A good marriage can’t “just happen” – no matter how good the partners are and how much they love each other. Things happen. A job ends, a child is born, a parent dies, somebody gets sick and needs care, money gets tight. It’s all part of life. And when those things happen, people change, their thinking changes, and they grow.
That’s why it makes sense, every few years, to put a pin in the timeline of your marriage to pause and “catch your breath” as a couple. When you do, you can make new agreements, renegotiate old ones, and make sure you are both going in the same direction. That strengthens your partnership. The stronger your partnership is, the more you trust each other and can lean into each other.
Trust influences your level of emotional safety. The value of emotional safety can’t be overestimated.
Strong partnerships don’t happen overnight. They also don’t happen by coating everything in a shade of romance. They happen through careful and honest communication, coupled with accountability.
There’s more about this in The Five-Year Marriage 2nd Edition: Secrets, Tools, and Strategies for Reimagining Marriage So It Works for You. Grab your copy now.
And now for an Ankle Update…
I didn’t know what a big deal ankle surgery is – but apparently it is because, after six months, I’m just starting to walk with just a cane. That’s a big deal for me because, with the cane, I can drive by myself. For months, even though I could drive my car, I needed a walker once I was where I wanted to go. I couldn’t do that without help, so I was homebound a lot. Physical Therapy is very helpful, and I do that a couple times a week. It’s one step at a time…
GUESS WHAT? Romance Awareness Month is Coming
Want to jazz up your love life? Next month I’ll be sharing tips for fanning the flames of romance in your life. It’s amazing how small things can make huge differences. If you aren’t already with me on www.facebook.com or www.instagram.com or Linkedin.com now is a great time to start!
With love and in victory,
Annmarie
